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One-liners
Paddy and Murphy sitting at a table, Paddys doing a crossword he says to Murphy" how do you spell paint"
Murphy replys "what colour"
*****
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does
*****
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife
makes him walk.
*****
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always
assured of having a worthy opponent.
*****
An American lawyer asked , "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with
another question?" "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
*****
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
*****
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced , "Not guilty." "That's
grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
*****
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
*****
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?" "No," said
himself, "but I'm gittin' closer all the time."
*****
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
*****
Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home!
*****
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance -- my wife is goin' to
have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
*****
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
*****
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon, waiting for their sexual
relations to arrive?
*****
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people
come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
*****
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Paddy and Murphy sitting at a table, Paddys doing a crossword he says to Murphy" how do you spell paint"
Murphy replys "what colour"
*****
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does
*****
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife
makes him walk.
*****
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always
assured of having a worthy opponent.
*****
An American lawyer asked , "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with
another question?" "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
*****
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
*****
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced , "Not guilty." "That's
grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
*****
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
*****
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?" "No," said
himself, "but I'm gittin' closer all the time."
*****
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
*****
Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home!
*****
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance -- my wife is goin' to
have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
*****
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
*****
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon, waiting for their sexual
relations to arrive?
*****
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people
come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
*****
Back to the top