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Irish Jokes
Mick, from Dublin ,appeared on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had
already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left, Phone a Friend“ Everything is riding on this
question.....will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow b) Thrush c) Magpie d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Feckin hell, Mick!"
cried Paddy. "That's simple......It's a cuckoo." "Are you sure?" "I'm feckin sure." Mick hung up the phone and
told Chris, "I'll go with Cuckoo as my answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. "Yes it is, Sir."
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!" The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Feckin clock!"
*****
A drunk staggers into a catholic church, enters a confessional booth, and sits down but says nothing.
The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally the priest
pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin . . . there's no paper on this side
either.'
*****
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his
nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. 'What happened to you?' asks
Sean, the bartender. 'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy. 'That little O'Connor,' says Sean,
'He couldn't do that to you; he must have had something in his hand.' 'That he did,' says Paddy, 'A shovel is
what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.' 'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself.
Didn't you have something in your hand?' That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
*****
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is
weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya
been?' 'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk. 'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had
quite a few to drink this evening.' 'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile. 'Did you know,' says the cop,
standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your
car?' 'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
*****
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single
hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five
continue playing standing up. Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone gots to tell
Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be
discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll
ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks
on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500
and is afraid to come home.' 'Tell him to drop dead!' says Murphy's wife.. 'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
*****
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise
the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's
shop and came out with one large sausage. Seamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at
all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whiskey. Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how
much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a
plan , Cheers!' They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you
go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Seamus said
'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.
*****
A man owned a small farm in Ireland . The Irish Internal Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages
to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you
pay them!", demanded the investigator. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me
for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around
here. He makes about $10 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every
Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to ...the halfwit!" said
the agent. "That would be me," replied the farmer.
*****
A Newry radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary, yet could still be used in
a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Portugal.
DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave"
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan...... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Portugal; What sentence can you
use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Goan f**k yourself!" ......The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Caller: "Smee...... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: ".... You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Portugal: What sentence can you
use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"
*****
Paddy lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Paddy
went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But
there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for
the creature.' Paddy said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the
service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
*****
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another
woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see
that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the
confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then
started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any
money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you,
that's the same as putting it in!'
*****
Irish Password Protection!
During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the
following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied ''Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore
i was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''
Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish!
******
Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and
sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said: "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per
pair". Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland
we could make a fuck'n' fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the
talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent."
"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will," replies Mick. They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50
suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van
and..." The owner of the shop interrupts. "You're from Ireland , aren't you?" "Well... yes," says a surprised
Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?" The owner replied, "This is a dry cleaners."
*****
"Y'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a wonderful little bar called
McTavish's. The landlord goes out ofhis way for the locals, so much so that when you buy 4 drinks he'll buy
the 5th drink for you." "Well," said the Englishman, "At my local pub, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you
your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2." "Ahhhhh, that's nothing lads," said the Irishman. "Back home in me
own Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then
another; all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that
you get laid. All on the house." The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he
swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not to meself,
personally, no," said the Irishman " ...but it did happen to me sister!"
*****
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another
woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see
that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the
confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then
started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any
money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you,
that's the same as putting it in!'
*****
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days,
then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least
5 pounds." When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS! "Why,
that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The Irishman nodded, "I'll tell you though, by
Jasus, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat turd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from all that fuckin'
skippin' " he replied.
*****
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a
parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to
Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place
appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
*****
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to
heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the
priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then
stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do
you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean
to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you
were getting a group together to go right now."
*****
Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The
cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done
this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the
tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
*****
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had
died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
*****
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper
smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir,
have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The
priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
*****
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the
little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "She
came to me on her hands and knees. "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She
said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
*****
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to
avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs
bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung
around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror
to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of plasters and began
putting a plaster as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty plaster box
and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head
and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't
you?" Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?" "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it
could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those plasters stuck on the hall mirror.
*****
Two rather snooty English businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new
store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, and only a few shelves had been set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any
minute now some stupid Irishman is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.' No
sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a
peek, and in an Irish accent asked "What are ye selling' here" ? One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're
selling arse-holes.' Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'Yare doin' well ... Only two left!'
*****
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help
but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland. The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from ? The other woman answers, 'I'm from
St.John's, I am.' The first one responds, 'So, am I! And what street did you live on?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street, in the old central
part of town.' The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.' The first one gets really excited
and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?' The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see.
I graduated in 1964.' The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly
believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of
Mary in 1964 me self.
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to
Michael, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Michael asks, 'Why do you say
that, Brian?' Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
*****
Back to the top
Mick, from Dublin ,appeared on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had
already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left, Phone a Friend“ Everything is riding on this
question.....will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow b) Thrush c) Magpie d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Feckin hell, Mick!"
cried Paddy. "That's simple......It's a cuckoo." "Are you sure?" "I'm feckin sure." Mick hung up the phone and
told Chris, "I'll go with Cuckoo as my answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. "Yes it is, Sir."
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!" The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Feckin clock!"
*****
A drunk staggers into a catholic church, enters a confessional booth, and sits down but says nothing.
The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally the priest
pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin . . . there's no paper on this side
either.'
*****
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his
nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. 'What happened to you?' asks
Sean, the bartender. 'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy. 'That little O'Connor,' says Sean,
'He couldn't do that to you; he must have had something in his hand.' 'That he did,' says Paddy, 'A shovel is
what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.' 'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself.
Didn't you have something in your hand?' That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
*****
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is
weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya
been?' 'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk. 'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had
quite a few to drink this evening.' 'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile. 'Did you know,' says the cop,
standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your
car?' 'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
*****
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single
hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five
continue playing standing up. Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone gots to tell
Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be
discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll
ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks
on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500
and is afraid to come home.' 'Tell him to drop dead!' says Murphy's wife.. 'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
*****
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise
the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's
shop and came out with one large sausage. Seamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at
all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whiskey. Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how
much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a
plan , Cheers!' They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you
go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Seamus said
'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.
*****
A man owned a small farm in Ireland . The Irish Internal Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages
to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you
pay them!", demanded the investigator. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me
for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around
here. He makes about $10 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every
Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to ...the halfwit!" said
the agent. "That would be me," replied the farmer.
*****
A Newry radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary, yet could still be used in
a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Portugal.
DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave"
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan...... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Portugal; What sentence can you
use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Goan f**k yourself!" ......The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Caller: "Smee...... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: ".... You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Portugal: What sentence can you
use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"
*****
Paddy lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Paddy
went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But
there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for
the creature.' Paddy said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the
service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
*****
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another
woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see
that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the
confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then
started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any
money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you,
that's the same as putting it in!'
*****
Irish Password Protection!
During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the
following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied ''Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore
i was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''
Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish!
******
Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and
sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said: "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per
pair". Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland
we could make a fuck'n' fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the
talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent."
"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will," replies Mick. They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50
suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van
and..." The owner of the shop interrupts. "You're from Ireland , aren't you?" "Well... yes," says a surprised
Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?" The owner replied, "This is a dry cleaners."
*****
"Y'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a wonderful little bar called
McTavish's. The landlord goes out ofhis way for the locals, so much so that when you buy 4 drinks he'll buy
the 5th drink for you." "Well," said the Englishman, "At my local pub, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you
your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2." "Ahhhhh, that's nothing lads," said the Irishman. "Back home in me
own Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then
another; all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that
you get laid. All on the house." The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he
swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not to meself,
personally, no," said the Irishman " ...but it did happen to me sister!"
*****
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another
woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see
that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the
confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then
started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any
money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you,
that's the same as putting it in!'
*****
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days,
then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least
5 pounds." When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS! "Why,
that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The Irishman nodded, "I'll tell you though, by
Jasus, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat turd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from all that fuckin'
skippin' " he replied.
*****
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a
parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to
Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place
appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
*****
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to
heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the
priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then
stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do
you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean
to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you
were getting a group together to go right now."
*****
Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The
cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done
this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the
tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
*****
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had
died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
*****
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper
smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir,
have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The
priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
*****
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the
little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "She
came to me on her hands and knees. "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She
said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
*****
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to
avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs
bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung
around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror
to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of plasters and began
putting a plaster as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty plaster box
and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head
and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't
you?" Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?" "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it
could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those plasters stuck on the hall mirror.
*****
Two rather snooty English businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new
store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, and only a few shelves had been set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any
minute now some stupid Irishman is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.' No
sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a
peek, and in an Irish accent asked "What are ye selling' here" ? One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're
selling arse-holes.' Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'Yare doin' well ... Only two left!'
*****
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help
but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland. The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from ? The other woman answers, 'I'm from
St.John's, I am.' The first one responds, 'So, am I! And what street did you live on?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street, in the old central
part of town.' The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.' The first one gets really excited
and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?' The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see.
I graduated in 1964.' The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly
believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of
Mary in 1964 me self.
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to
Michael, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Michael asks, 'Why do you say
that, Brian?' Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
*****
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