Irish Jokes One-Liners Non-Irish Jokes
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A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silver back
gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted
and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress. The husband, noticing
the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and
wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the
husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the
bars down. "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and
he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and
slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."
***
A koala is sitting up a gum tree...smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are
you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the
koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little
lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the
crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a
drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing
a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" So the koala looks down at him and says: "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...how much water did
you drink?!!"
***
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish.................................49.
Adventurous........................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking.................Moo
Beautiful............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure............On medication.
Feminist.............................Lesbian.
Free spirit.........................Junkie.
Friendship first..................Former slut.
New-Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places.
Open-minded.....................Desperate.
Outgoing............................Loud and embarrassing.
Professional.......................Bitch.
Voluptuous.........................Fat.
Large frame.......................Extremely Fat.
Wants Soul mate.................Stalker.
***
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
***
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silver back
gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted
and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress. The husband, noticing
the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and
wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the
husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the
bars down. "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and
he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and
slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."
***
A koala is sitting up a gum tree...smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are
you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the
koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little
lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the
crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a
drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing
a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" So the koala looks down at him and says: "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...how much water did
you drink?!!"
***
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish.................................49.
Adventurous........................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking.................Moo
Beautiful............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure............On medication.
Feminist.............................Lesbian.
Free spirit.........................Junkie.
Friendship first..................Former slut.
New-Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places.
Open-minded.....................Desperate.
Outgoing............................Loud and embarrassing.
Professional.......................Bitch.
Voluptuous.........................Fat.
Large frame.......................Extremely Fat.
Wants Soul mate.................Stalker.
***
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
***
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay.